i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Randomize
