No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
