I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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