My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
