So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
