All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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