In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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