Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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