Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
