i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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