I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
