so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
