you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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