so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
