There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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