I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
