My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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