I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
