She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
