Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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