I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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