In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
