I'm jealous of your bromance
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
