I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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