so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
