im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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