so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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