I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
