You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
