anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
