i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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