One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Randomize
