You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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