if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
