we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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