Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
