well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
