i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
