why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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