you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
