my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
