you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
