I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
