If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
