It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
