I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
