plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My life is pants optional.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
