I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
jump out the window naked night went bad
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