i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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