There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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