i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
