So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
