I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
