So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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