I think i sorta joined a cult last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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