I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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