After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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