Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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