Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
